History & Whatnot Archives

The Relationship That Wasn’t – Full Circle

I was actually going to go in a completely different direction with this post, but I had a conversation this morning that reinforced the concept of ‘full circle’ in my head much more than the original relationship I was going to discuss.

Ful CircleBack in college, I had a crush on a guy, who I’ll call Ethan for the sake of this discussion. Ethan and I lived in the same building for two years – the first year I spent crushing on him from afar, and the second a more direct flirtation on both sides. A two year crush-build was pretty much unheard of for me at the time. My relationships moved fast, so the back and forth I had with Ethan was pretty intense, mentally. I hated that ‘I don’t know if you like me or not’ thing – still do now. It was during the third year, when he had moved out of the dorms, that we finally ‘hooked up’ – after I had enough of waiting for him to chase me and took control myself.

At that time, I was working and living the BDSM lifestyle. I was actively poly, had other Tops and lovers, and Ethan knew that. He knew I was kinky, and tried to satisfy that side of my sex life. He wasn’t what I would consider an established Top. He was dominant, but didn’t know what to do with it. The problem I had throughout this relationship is that I never knew where I stood. That same ‘I don’t know if you like me or not’ thing that I hated during our flirtation before fucking continued. Mixed signals are hard for 35-year-old-me to deal with. For 20-year-old me it was just a huge mindfuck.

Keep going…I want more…

I Was A Teenage Submissive

Prodigy Welcome PageWhile on Twitter tonight, I saw a retweet originally from Kate S Loree, LMFT:

“There seems to be very little age appropriate education for teens drawn toward #BDSM that need to learn about safety, boundaries, etc.”.

I immediately tweeted my agreement, and started to recall the way I found my way into the world of bondage and dominance in my teenage years….
The first definite time when I recall exploring this lifestyle was when I was 16 years old. I started frequenting the S&M chat rooms of Prodigy (a now defunct internet provider, similar to AOL), in rooms that were marked for those 18 years and older. It was one of those ‘role play’ rooms, populated by folks who were looking for Dominant or submissive other halfs.

I wasn’t very good at keeping my youth a secret, and soon there was a major debate as to whether “Leigh”, as I called myself online at that time, should be allowed to remain in the room, or if they should report me to the internet authorities. Thankfully, a few of the Doms / Dommes saw that I was there to learn, not to find a physical interaction at that time. When I turned 18, I started attending munches in my area, and once again found myself a new family that were there to teach me. As I grew more comfortable with my new ‘family’, I started going to clubs and parties. I was an oddity, it seemed. I was the youngest at most of these events – easily by 15 years or so. I got a lot of attention, being so young, with my then teen-sized body and a 34HH bra size. Keep going…I want more…