My Personal subMission Archives

The Relationship That Wasn’t – Full Circle

I was actually going to go in a completely different direction with this post, but I had a conversation this morning that reinforced the concept of ‘full circle’ in my head much more than the original relationship I was going to discuss.

Ful CircleBack in college, I had a crush on a guy, who I’ll call Ethan for the sake of this discussion. Ethan and I lived in the same building for two years – the first year I spent crushing on him from afar, and the second a more direct flirtation on both sides. A two year crush-build was pretty much unheard of for me at the time. My relationships moved fast, so the back and forth I had with Ethan was pretty intense, mentally. I hated that ‘I don’t know if you like me or not’ thing – still do now. It was during the third year, when he had moved out of the dorms, that we finally ‘hooked up’ – after I had enough of waiting for him to chase me and took control myself.

At that time, I was working and living the BDSM lifestyle. I was actively poly, had other Tops and lovers, and Ethan knew that. He knew I was kinky, and tried to satisfy that side of my sex life. He wasn’t what I would consider an established Top. He was dominant, but didn’t know what to do with it. The problem I had throughout this relationship is that I never knew where I stood. That same ‘I don’t know if you like me or not’ thing that I hated during our flirtation before fucking continued. Mixed signals are hard for 35-year-old-me to deal with. For 20-year-old me it was just a huge mindfuck.

Keep going…I want more…

It Always Starts With A Kiss

“Suspenders as well, or just stockings?”

“Stockings are good. Don’t worry about underwear.”

“Dress? Bra? Shoes?”

“Stick with the skirt. Black bra & high shoes.”

My instructions came through a series of text, with my head still somewhat cloudy from the previous night – and the previous weekend’s events. She wasn’t satisfied with what we had done the night before, and wanted to push me further.

“An hour until I can feel how wet you are.”

Ruby Goodnight

Her words kept me on my toes all day long. My over-preparing mind started going into gear. Pull out the thigh highs you didn’t wear this weekend. Dig out that garter belt from the back of the suitcase. Which skirt? Something short that she won’t need to move that much. I only wore that cream colored one for a short time this weekend. Maybe that will work? Her toys are cleaned and ready. Is everything there it should be?

My cunt ached looking at the items she didn’t use last night, but I wished she had. The clover clamps. The purple Tantus. Her new Rodeohs. The ankle cuffs. There was the new flogger that was sat there as well. I knew for sure that she wasn’t going to use that any time soon. She needed to get used to it first, before my flesh was its target. That didn’t make it any harder to look at. Keep going…I want more…

Thank you, sun, for staying out all weekend.

Thank you, sun, for staying out all weekend.

The end of the weekend has arrived. Even though it’s Monday, I’m coming down from the high of Eroticon2014. In the five hours it’s taken me to get home, I’m probably written this post in my mind a few times over, making sure that I balance out the seriousness of the weekend, the absolutely joy I felt being there and the unwavering gratitude I have towards a few select individuals. This will be slightly mushy in parts, as I am going through drop, but I also want to be somewhat constructive.

So why did I go to Eroticon? Why have I gone to any Eroticons? I straddle that weird world that’s not quite blogger, not quite erotica writer. Sure, I write blog posts, run blogs, but it’s not for the same reasons that a lot of other bloggers at Eroticon do. I also write long form erotica and have done for the greater part of my adult life, but as I don’t deal with publishers (well, anything at all after I hand the manuscript over to the buyer) as the majority of erotica writers do I don’t feel like I can use label as well. You’d think someone like me would wonder around in an aimless circle wondering where I fit in.

Not at Eroticon.

Keep going…I want more…

But….are they?

This post has been bouncing around in my head since Molly encouraged her readers to discuss and bust myths surrounding submissive women. I started off with a set in my head, and began to mentally expand on them, but haven’t had the opportunity (or time…let’s be honest here) to get them down on my blog. If you haven’t read Molly’s post Question Time, click on over and check out why she’s posed these specific questions.

Top Five Myths & Beliefs I Would Like To Dispel About Submissive Women:

  • They are all masochists / pain sluts. Not all submissives get off on pain. I’m one of them. Sure, pain is part of the whole picture when it comes to submission and BDSM, but it’s not the end all be all. Smacking a sub on the ass isn’t going to send them into a quivering pile of orgasmic goo (at least not this submissive). 
  • They all have high powered jobs and they are using their submission as a release / escape. I’ve even heard this one from other submissives – that they have control in every other aspect of their lives, so their submission is their way to let that go. Yes, this is the case for some subs, but don’t take it as gospel that they are all like that.
  • They are all polyamourous or have open relationships. I think this applies more of a BDSM myth in general rather than a submissive-only myth. While many D/s relationships are open, or involve third parties (or fourth…fifth…etc…), there are other D/s couples who choose not to open their relationship to others.
  • Submissives have “Daddy” issues. As in they somehow had a warped relationship with their fathers that caused them to become sexual submissives.
  • That being a sub is all about “taking” and not “giving”. There seems to be a trend of showing submission as a one way street, both physically and emotionally- receiving the flogging, receiving the Dom’s cock / dildo, receiving the collar, receiving the aftercare. Submission isn’t incapacity – we can give as well as we can take! Giving pleasure, giving our submission, giving our love and affection. Too much of that is missed out.

Top five words to describe my submission: evolving, devotion, teaching, hidden, and growing. I’ll leave you to make of that what you will.

In erotic fiction, what “wrongs” have I come across that don’t work for me as a submissive woman: 

  • The parties involved are in BDSM due to some childhood trauma. <coughFiftyShadescough> 
  • I personally haven’t found a female-female D/s erotica that isn’t stereotypical when it comes to a number of issues, including female domination, lesbian relationships, and D/s in general.
  • The lack of communication before the relationship or session starts. Fifty Shades almost got there with the whole contract being brought in, but even that wasn’t communicated fully in such a way that I felt both parties were understanding. (I do need to give her credit for even having it there in the first place, though!)

If you could as Molly any question, what would it be? 

If there ever comes a point where your child (either teenage or adult) discovers your fetish, how would you handle it?

Is The Perfect Submissive A Masochist?

Evil Sticks

Image courtesy of

Something happened while I was at Erotic Meet last weekend. I wouldn’t call it an event, or even a moment. it was an interaction that brought forward a question that has been playing in my mind – for really the better part of a decade and a half. A shadow that’s always lurked in the back of my head that makes me question my own desires and how I label myself.

Let me explain.

I standing outside with a group of ladies (most of who I know identify as submissive), as well as a single male dominant, getting some air and socializing. We were discussing a new toy that had been brought to the party. I’m not sure of it’s real name, but I call it a ‘vampire paddle’ – a paddle with small spikes attached, like those on a vampire glove. In a previous week, one of the submissive in the group had shown it’s power with her Sinful Sunday post (a warning if you click the link – it is bloody). In addition, the Dom had brought along His own toy, an ‘evil stick’ – a single bendable filament attached to a small handle.

I did handle the toys myself – appreciating the thuddy weight of the paddle’s flat side, and the construction of the spikes on the other. Taking the evil stick and flexing it between my fingers, admiring the simple construction. I had felt the bite of these types of evil sticks before, as a gentleman who used to run munches I regularly attended in the States makes them and sells them online. I was happy enough with that interaction, and handed them back to the Dom after my once-over.

This is where I feel like I was ‘different’.

Keep going…I want more…

50 Shades spanking

Courtesy of

Far and away, the most criticism I’ve read when it comes to Fifty Shades of Grey is from those who live the BDSM lifestyle. I can agree with a lot of the concerns I’ve read. The major issue that seems to be the flash point is in relation to Christian’s character.

In the novel, an unspoken connection that imply’s Christian’s Dominance stems from early childhood trauma. It gives the reader the impression that this lifestyle is the result of an underlying imperfection – be that abuse, assault, or neglect. That someone cannot simply be a Dominant without any issues or baggage that brought them to that point. While I’m in agreement for the most part, I would be whole-heartedly on this bandwagon if there were other Dominants discussed in the book in further detail that also had fucked up backgrounds. Maybe they are introduced in the subsequent novels (I’m currently just a few chapters in book two) that have not entered the ‘scene’ that aren’t from a broken background. If you were a vanilla individual reading this, you may get the impression that Dominance is a ‘bad’ thing, and to be ashamed of your imperfection. Even a few Doms may question their desires based on Christian’s character.

Keep going…I want more…

Fifty Shades Grey Review

I recently wrote Fifty Shades of Ruby – A Fifty Shades of Grey Review – An Introduction discussing my difficulty on settling on a single opinion about EL James’s novel Fifty Shades of Grey. Taking it from three different perspectives, my opinion on the novel from an erotica writer’s point of view is quite black and white. It really can be summed up on eight simple words:

This is certainly not a well written book.

I knew that right from the start. Within ten minutes of reading the book, I had seen the phrase “ghost of a smile on his lips” three separate times. Ms James seems to have a list of twelve of so adjectives that she pulls from for the entire novel. Every third paragraph seems to be discussing the color of Christian’s eyes. Her chapters seemed to follow a formula of sorts with her sentence style, especially when it came to dialogue – almost cookie-cutter. If I had handed this in as a short story to my senior year English teacher, Miss Farley would have had a field day with her red pen.

I do have to admit, there were times where my mind was more involved in self-critiquing her writing style than getting involved in the story itself, and that upset me. I certainly hope Ms James never steps foot into any self-pub writers forums or she’d see herself completely crucified for her ‘lack’ of writing skills. In an interview on the Today Show in the states, she gets asked straight out what she feels about her writing, and she says that she is aware that they are poorly written.

But does any of that really matter?

Keep going…I want more…

Fifty Shades of Grey
I’m a bit late on this scene, as my personal reading time has been slowly evaporating in the last few months. When two of my employers had asked me if I had read the Fifty Shades trio by EL James, and if I could create pieces on the subject, I seized the opportunity to read one of the most discussed books of the year.

I had read numerous reviews of it, mostly from those who are involved in the BDSM lifestyle. I had also witnessed my personal Facebook timeline fill up with vanilla friends who declared it one of the best books they had ever read in their lives, and how every red-blooded woman needed to read it. The writer’s forums that I frequented had numerous posts on it as well, ripping apart EL James as an example of people with zero writing ability somehow scamming the world into spending their hard earned money on their ‘puke on a page’, (as someone so eloquently described it).

I am involved in the BDSM lifestyle. I remember the days of being a vanilla reader of paperback smut and falling completely head first into a book. I also write BDSM erotica for a living, so in a way, Fifty Shades of Grey is my competition. Before I even started reading the book, the internal debate began. Under what ‘hat’ do I judge this book? Can I go into this objectively despite the fact that I had already read so much on it? Will I be able to combine all those parts of me into one and formulate a single opinion? Keep going…I want more…

Corsets as Self-Submission

corsets Ruby Goodnight

Image courtesy of

I bought myself a new corset today. It was a present to myself, for accomplishing a goal I had previously set, as well as an outfit to wear to an upcoming event. While I absolutely love the way my body looks in a corset, they are beyond a fashion statement. For me, it is a form of self-submission.

I don’t have a Dom, and my other half is just starting to explore her Domme side. After being a very heavy bottom for many years, adjusting to a vanilla relationship did take some getting used to. More than eleven years later, I find myself coming full circle and once again treading lightly into the world of active D/s. For me, corsets are the heaviest form of submission I have access to at the moment.

Corsets force you to move your body in certain ways. Always upright, always proud and presenting. Corsets restrict your movements, making you adjust yourself in the way that it demands. It takes your breath away, just as a good Mistress should. When done correctly, they leave distinct red marks on your body, and make you ache when they’re gone. Although you can’t always act out while wearing one, corsets make you think, and plan, and forecast, just as I used to do when bent over a sawhorse on a stage in front of a gasping audience.

My corset tastes have changed over the years. While I used to have a steady stream of underbust corsets that left my breasts exposed, I now prefer the over-bust variety with their support. Not that I am any less proud of my breasts as I was before age, pregnancy, breast feeding and weight loss took their toll, but for that additional element of coverage – of control.

So when my parcel arrives in a matter of  days, and my partner straps me in, tied me up, and takes my breath away, I will submit. Both to her as my wife and my Domme-in-training, and to the corset itself.