Something happened while I was at Erotic Meet last weekend. I wouldn’t call it an event, or even a moment. it was an interaction that brought forward a question that has been playing in my mind – for really the better part of a decade and a half. A shadow that’s always lurked in the back of my head that makes me question my own desires and how I label myself.
Let me explain.
I standing outside with a group of ladies (most of who I know identify as submissive), as well as a single male dominant, getting some air and socializing. We were discussing a new toy that had been brought to the party. I’m not sure of it’s real name, but I call it a ‘vampire paddle’ – a paddle with small spikes attached, like those on a vampire glove. In a previous week, one of the submissive in the group had shown it’s power with her Sinful Sunday post (a warning if you click the link – it is bloody). In addition, the Dom had brought along His own toy, an ‘evil stick’ – a single bendable filament attached to a small handle.
I did handle the toys myself – appreciating the thuddy weight of the paddle’s flat side, and the construction of the spikes on the other. Taking the evil stick and flexing it between my fingers, admiring the simple construction. I had felt the bite of these types of evil sticks before, as a gentleman who used to run munches I regularly attended in the States makes them and sells them online. I was happy enough with that interaction, and handed them back to the Dom after my once-over.
This is where I feel like I was ‘different’.
The majority of the other ladies in the group eagerly held out their forearms for a taste of the toys. They squealed with delight at the marks that were left on their pale English skin, and grew excited when the sting kept going long after the toy had left their bodies. They asked for more, and showed off their marks to each other.
I had absolutely no desire to go through this.
Not that I didn’t trust the Dominant that was wielding the tools – He’s probably one of the few Doms that I’ve met here in the UK that I would trust, if I ever chose to session outside my marriage.
I don’t enjoy pain. I’m not a masochist.
This is where my question comes in. Am I ‘less’ of a submissive because I don’t enjoy pain? Am I an imperfect sub since I’m not a masochist? When I asked this question many years ago, when I was learning the ropes of the BDSM lifestyle, I was told ‘yes’. That a true sub loves the pain for pain’s sake, and that when I grow into my full submissive self, it will be the pain that brings the pleasure.
After identifying as a submissive for more than 15 years now, that still hasn’t happened.
For me, pain is a means to an end. Pain is a demonstration of a Dom’s power over me – a method of punishment when I behave badly, a way to break me down into submission so I can enter that blissful state of sub-space, a way to assert control even in the most mundane environments. The pain doesn’t get me wet – being controlled does. When my wife takes her palm and brings it down full force on my ass, it’s the fact that she’s embracing her Domme side that send me into ecstasy, not the sting of that slap on my ass.
Am I that much different than those ladies who lined up to be stung with the evil stick?
Maybe it’s because in the last few years I’ve found myself sliding more into the Switch side of the spectrum. Maybe it’s because my early growth in the BDSM lifestyle centered around performances, which involved more visually-appealing bondage and sexual display rather than an intimate level of pain. Trust me, I have experienced my fair level of pain with D/s lifestyles. I have been flogged, whipped, punctured, pinched, fucked until I was screaming out in pain, and every small level in between. I rarely ever safeworded, mostly because I worked with Doms who knew their craft, and I was told that handling the pain was part of my growth as a sub. How I managed to escape the first five years of my BDSM life without permanent scars still amazes me.
I have never found the pain desirable. I have never orgasmed through pain itself. It’s always been about the control to me.
Is there something wrong with that?
If someone new to the lifestyle asked me that question, I would say absolutely not. That there are no cookie-cutter subs, and that each of us brings our own desires and levels of submission into it. That there is a difference between a masochist and a submissive, just as there is a difference between a sadist and a Dominant. Never judge your own submission based on what others do, as you are your own sexual creature.
So why don’t I believe my own words when it comes to my own submission? Why after fifteen years of being in the lifestyle in various shapes and forms, do I still question my own perfection as a submissive?
Filed under: My Personal subMission
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