Archive for 'bondage'

But….are they?

This post has been bouncing around in my head since Molly encouraged her readers to discuss and bust myths surrounding submissive women. I started off with a set in my head, and began to mentally expand on them, but haven’t had the opportunity (or time…let’s be honest here) to get them down on my blog. If you haven’t read Molly’s post Question Time, click on over and check out why she’s posed these specific questions.

Top Five Myths & Beliefs I Would Like To Dispel About Submissive Women:

  • They are all masochists / pain sluts. Not all submissives get off on pain. I’m one of them. Sure, pain is part of the whole picture when it comes to submission and BDSM, but it’s not the end all be all. Smacking a sub on the ass isn’t going to send them into a quivering pile of orgasmic goo (at least not this submissive). 
  • They all have high powered jobs and they are using their submission as a release / escape. I’ve even heard this one from other submissives – that they have control in every other aspect of their lives, so their submission is their way to let that go. Yes, this is the case for some subs, but don’t take it as gospel that they are all like that.
  • They are all polyamourous or have open relationships. I think this applies more of a BDSM myth in general rather than a submissive-only myth. While many D/s relationships are open, or involve third parties (or fourth…fifth…etc…), there are other D/s couples who choose not to open their relationship to others.
  • Submissives have “Daddy” issues. As in they somehow had a warped relationship with their fathers that caused them to become sexual submissives.
  • That being a sub is all about “taking” and not “giving”. There seems to be a trend of showing submission as a one way street, both physically and emotionally- receiving the flogging, receiving the Dom’s cock / dildo, receiving the collar, receiving the aftercare. Submission isn’t incapacity – we can give as well as we can take! Giving pleasure, giving our submission, giving our love and affection. Too much of that is missed out.

Top five words to describe my submission: evolving, devotion, teaching, hidden, and growing. I’ll leave you to make of that what you will.

In erotic fiction, what “wrongs” have I come across that don’t work for me as a submissive woman: 

  • The parties involved are in BDSM due to some childhood trauma. <coughFiftyShadescough> 
  • I personally haven’t found a female-female D/s erotica that isn’t stereotypical when it comes to a number of issues, including female domination, lesbian relationships, and D/s in general.
  • The lack of communication before the relationship or session starts. Fifty Shades almost got there with the whole contract being brought in, but even that wasn’t communicated fully in such a way that I felt both parties were understanding. (I do need to give her credit for even having it there in the first place, though!)

If you could as Molly any question, what would it be? 

If there ever comes a point where your child (either teenage or adult) discovers your fetish, how would you handle it?

50 Shades spanking

Courtesy of http://blackleatherbelt.tumblr.com

Far and away, the most criticism I’ve read when it comes to Fifty Shades of Grey is from those who live the BDSM lifestyle. I can agree with a lot of the concerns I’ve read. The major issue that seems to be the flash point is in relation to Christian’s character.

In the novel, an unspoken connection that imply’s Christian’s Dominance stems from early childhood trauma. It gives the reader the impression that this lifestyle is the result of an underlying imperfection – be that abuse, assault, or neglect. That someone cannot simply be a Dominant without any issues or baggage that brought them to that point. While I’m in agreement for the most part, I would be whole-heartedly on this bandwagon if there were other Dominants discussed in the book in further detail that also had fucked up backgrounds. Maybe they are introduced in the subsequent novels (I’m currently just a few chapters in book two) that have not entered the ‘scene’ that aren’t from a broken background. If you were a vanilla individual reading this, you may get the impression that Dominance is a ‘bad’ thing, and to be ashamed of your imperfection. Even a few Doms may question their desires based on Christian’s character.

Keep going…I want more…

Fifty Shades Grey Review

I recently wrote Fifty Shades of Ruby – A Fifty Shades of Grey Review – An Introduction discussing my difficulty on settling on a single opinion about EL James’s novel Fifty Shades of Grey. Taking it from three different perspectives, my opinion on the novel from an erotica writer’s point of view is quite black and white. It really can be summed up on eight simple words:

This is certainly not a well written book.

I knew that right from the start. Within ten minutes of reading the book, I had seen the phrase “ghost of a smile on his lips” three separate times. Ms James seems to have a list of twelve of so adjectives that she pulls from for the entire novel. Every third paragraph seems to be discussing the color of Christian’s eyes. Her chapters seemed to follow a formula of sorts with her sentence style, especially when it came to dialogue – almost cookie-cutter. If I had handed this in as a short story to my senior year English teacher, Miss Farley would have had a field day with her red pen.

I do have to admit, there were times where my mind was more involved in self-critiquing her writing style than getting involved in the story itself, and that upset me. I certainly hope Ms James never steps foot into any self-pub writers forums or she’d see herself completely crucified for her ‘lack’ of writing skills. In an interview on the Today Show in the states, she gets asked straight out what she feels about her writing, and she says that she is aware that they are poorly written.

But does any of that really matter?

Keep going…I want more…

Fifty Shades of Grey
I’m a bit late on this scene, as my personal reading time has been slowly evaporating in the last few months. When two of my employers had asked me if I had read the Fifty Shades trio by EL James, and if I could create pieces on the subject, I seized the opportunity to read one of the most discussed books of the year.

I had read numerous reviews of it, mostly from those who are involved in the BDSM lifestyle. I had also witnessed my personal Facebook timeline fill up with vanilla friends who declared it one of the best books they had ever read in their lives, and how every red-blooded woman needed to read it. The writer’s forums that I frequented had numerous posts on it as well, ripping apart EL James as an example of people with zero writing ability somehow scamming the world into spending their hard earned money on their ‘puke on a page’, (as someone so eloquently described it).

I am involved in the BDSM lifestyle. I remember the days of being a vanilla reader of paperback smut and falling completely head first into a book. I also write BDSM erotica for a living, so in a way, Fifty Shades of Grey is my competition. Before I even started reading the book, the internal debate began. Under what ‘hat’ do I judge this book? Can I go into this objectively despite the fact that I had already read so much on it? Will I be able to combine all those parts of me into one and formulate a single opinion? Keep going…I want more…

I Was A Teenage Submissive

Prodigy Welcome PageWhile on Twitter tonight, I saw a retweet originally from Kate S Loree, LMFT:

“There seems to be very little age appropriate education for teens drawn toward #BDSM that need to learn about safety, boundaries, etc.”.

I immediately tweeted my agreement, and started to recall the way I found my way into the world of bondage and dominance in my teenage years….
The first definite time when I recall exploring this lifestyle was when I was 16 years old. I started frequenting the S&M chat rooms of Prodigy (a now defunct internet provider, similar to AOL), in rooms that were marked for those 18 years and older. It was one of those ‘role play’ rooms, populated by folks who were looking for Dominant or submissive other halfs.

I wasn’t very good at keeping my youth a secret, and soon there was a major debate as to whether “Leigh”, as I called myself online at that time, should be allowed to remain in the room, or if they should report me to the internet authorities. Thankfully, a few of the Doms / Dommes saw that I was there to learn, not to find a physical interaction at that time. When I turned 18, I started attending munches in my area, and once again found myself a new family that were there to teach me. As I grew more comfortable with my new ‘family’, I started going to clubs and parties. I was an oddity, it seemed. I was the youngest at most of these events – easily by 15 years or so. I got a lot of attention, being so young, with my then teen-sized body and a 34HH bra size. Keep going…I want more…