I was actually going to go in a completely different direction with this post, but I had a conversation this morning that reinforced the concept of ‘full circle’ in my head much more than the original relationship I was going to discuss.
Back in college, I had a crush on a guy, who I’ll call Ethan for the sake of this discussion. Ethan and I lived in the same building for two years – the first year I spent crushing on him from afar, and the second a more direct flirtation on both sides. A two year crush-build was pretty much unheard of for me at the time. My relationships moved fast, so the back and forth I had with Ethan was pretty intense, mentally. I hated that ‘I don’t know if you like me or not’ thing – still do now. It was during the third year, when he had moved out of the dorms, that we finally ‘hooked up’ – after I had enough of waiting for him to chase me and took control myself.
At that time, I was working and living the BDSM lifestyle. I was actively poly, had other Tops and lovers, and Ethan knew that. He knew I was kinky, and tried to satisfy that side of my sex life. He wasn’t what I would consider an established Top. He was dominant, but didn’t know what to do with it. The problem I had throughout this relationship is that I never knew where I stood. That same ‘I don’t know if you like me or not’ thing that I hated during our flirtation before fucking continued. Mixed signals are hard for 35-year-old-me to deal with. For 20-year-old me it was just a huge mindfuck.
He told me he loved me, but didn’t want to date me. He wanted me to be *his* submissive, but wasn’t bothered to learn about BDSM. He told me I was the best fuck he’d ever had, but dated two virgins after we stopped seeing each other. He loved my big tits, tight waist, and round ass but told me he thought skinny blondes were hotter. His words never matched his actions when he actually did tell me things. After a year or so of fucking, we went our separate ways. It was a break up for me. I cared about him beyond a fuck friend, but I assumed he didn’t feel the same for me. In those three years I never felt like I knew where I stood with Ethan.
This morning Ethan messaged me on Facebook. I had chatted with him maybe five or six times in the last fifteen years, nothing more than a ‘hey how’s it going’ kind of back and forth. This morning, things came full circle.
“I have a question for you…the question involves certain potential relationships but pulls from your knowledge of me… D/s…You were the only person I ever thought of to give me legit insight…Can I be entirely candid?”
“Easier to help if you are.”
“Did you ever feel like I didn’t care about you?”
My stomach dropped. My head went right back to that same place it was fifteen years ago. Of course I felt like he didn’t care about me. I questioned that thousands of times during our flirtations and even during our relationship. That anxiety of ‘I don’t know if you like me or not’ was there. I hate that feeling now as much as I did then. So I was truthful with him.
“Honestly? Overall, I questioned your interest in me beyond any kind of random fuck. But, that was outside the scope of a D/s relationship…more me just being unsure about what you actually felt about me. When we messed around, I knew you’d be good to me at that moment. Beyond it was what I was unsure about. But yeah. I don’t think it had anything to do with D/s. Just me being not confident about things with ‘us’.”
We talked for a while…about his budding BDSM relationship with his new partner, those same ‘new Dom’ nerves and questions that so many Tops go through, about communication, the typical schpeal I give to Tops who come to me for advice. And then he told me.
“And yeah it was always, always me. Believe me.”
He explained that he did indeed love me back then. He told me why he said the things he did, how he’s thought about me in the fifteen years since we were together, and how things had changed. He felt like an ass for being a stupid 20-something year old hornball with what at that time was his dreamgirl, and fucking it up. He told me he saw it as a break up as well. He apologized.
Fifteen years later, my closure with Ethan came….full circle.
Tagged with: Wicked Wednesday
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